Mile Zero

no matter where you go, there you are

Mile Zero is the personal website of Thomas Wilburn. All statements and opinions here are my own, and do not represent the views or policies of my employers at Congressional Quarterly, Ars Technica, or other publications.

West of House
You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with the front door ajar.
There is a small mailbox here.

> OPEN MAILBOX
Opening the small mailbox reveals a leaflet on designing games for women, penned by Corvus E. and titled Needs More Pink. There is also a can of gopher chow (taken).

> EXAMINE GOPHER CHOW
"Feeds twice the gopher compared to competing brands!" the package exclaims, but the rest of the text seems to have been taken from another rodent entirely--they've just cut and pasted Rentahamster's Final Fantasy Event Coverage onto the label. Maybe their copywriters took a day off.

> GO WEST
Living Room
You step through the door of the white house.
This is a dusty, abandoned living room. On one end is a TV, unplugged, and a threadbare sofa. The other side is covered in bookshelves, with unbound documents in piles on the floor. Picking up one of these papers, you see it is a press release for The Bible Game, with commentary by Charles at Shameless Geeks.
One of the mounds of paper is moving.

> USE GOPHER CHOW
A gopher, bright-eyed and apparently tame, emerges from the paper to scarf down the hi-fiber pellets you've just spread around the floor. Delicious! Now sated, the gopher scurries over to the bookshelf and pulls on a copy of Mister Orange's reply to loonyboi's criticisms of the I Am 8-bit art show. The bookshelf swings aside to reveal a stairway leading downward.
There is a lantern at the top of the stairs (taken).

> GO DOWN
As you descend the stairs, it becomes very dark. You are likely to be eaten by a.. can we say grue? No? Why, what could Infocom do to us?
Oh. Really? Both kidneys? And with a staple remover?
Ahem. It is very dark. You are likely to be eaten by a narrative device.

> TURN ON LANTERN
Foot of the stairs
Whew! That's better.
You are standing in a low stone chamber. The stairs are behind you, to the south. There are exits to the east and west, both hewn from the living rock. To the north is a wall covered in mystical carvings. In large characters, you can make out the words "This space intentionally left blank." Reading these carvings more closely, you see that they comprise an essay by Troy of Portico on Calvin and Hobbes in strategy games. The dwellers of this cave must have been very literate.
There is a rusty sword and shield lying in the center of the room (taken).

> GO EAST
Waterfall Room
The doorway leads down a cramped, twisting tunnel, before finally opening into a grand cavern.
You hear rushing water and see a huge waterfall pouring out of a crack in the south wall. The water flows north-west until it disappears into the darkness. There is a wooden bridge leading to the south-east over the water. In the middle of the bridge stands a knight in glistening blue steel armor. "Halt!" he cries. "None shall pass who have not read Move-Blocking by Eric-Jon Rössel Waugh of Insert Credit fame! Fear my irony!"

> ATTACK KNIGHT
It is a struggle worthy of the titans! Juggling your sword, shield, lantern, and empty can of gopher chow, you and the armor-clad warrior parry and thrust back and forth across the bridge. Each of you draws blood, but a decisive blow seems impossible to land. Unfortunately for the knight, he is not the protagonist of the game. He swings wide, and you take the opportunity to strike a glancing blow off his helm, knocking him unconscious.

As the knight slumps to the ground, you lament the violence that brought you to this point. If only it could be outlawed! you think, flinging the sword and shield away into the water. At times like this, consider Seriously, Let's Think of the Children by Josh of Cathode Tan, which lays out his perspective on regulation of violent video game sales to Illinois minors.

> GO SE
Hall of Statues
Around a bend from the Waterfall Room, you emerge facing north into a hallway that extends as far as the eye can see. Down one side of the hall, handsome statues of naked men and women stand in lifelike positions. These were carved in honor of great deeds throughout the underground empire, although clearly some artistic liberties have been taken. Each statue has a plaque next to it with a short description. The first states proudly "This space intentionally left blank."

> GO NORTH
Hall of Statues
Man, this is a long hallway! It feels like you've been walking for ages. The statues seem to agree: you've stopped next to a handsome fellow named Joseph from Spaceworld, whose plaque notes that he is known for the essay How Long Is Your Peni... er, Game? It's almost as if someone were writing descriptions of this long hallway solely to justify that title.

> GO NORTH
Dam
Finally, you reach the end of the hall and emerge out into the open. This must be where all the water from the waterfall dumps out: there's a large reservoir to the west, with a control shack at the end of the dam to the east. The water is terribly muddy, but it looks like there's something written underneath it, on the walls of the reservoir.
There is a coin here (taken). On one side is a portrait of King Dimwit Flathead the I, and on the other is the E3 logo.

> GO EAST
Control Shack
The inside of the shack is filled with complicated machinery all plugged into the rest. You look for a manual, but the only thing you can find is a carefully bound copy of Alex's What E3 Is. "These damned machines are killing me," you think.
There is a slot in the panel across the room.

> PUT COIN IN SLOT
You hear a rumble from outside.

The water has drained from the reservoir! You can now see the writing on both sides of the empty pit. One side is engraved with Finster's The State of PC Gaming, from Top of Cool. The other reads only "This space intentionally left blank."
A stairway has been revealed on the side of the dam. A stranded carp flops gently on one stair (taken).

> GO DOWN STAIRS
Stairway (not to Heaven)
As you proceed down the stairs, you find small posters glued to the wall at each step. Gradually, you realize that these are articles arranged in a progressive fashion--one from Seth on 46% completion of Need For Speed Underground 2 DS (what a mouthful!), and another by Maggie on women in gaming titled The Forest for the Trees.

> GO DOWN STAIRS
Bottom of the reservoir
To the south, across the empty concrete bowl, there's an ornate doorway. There is also a small amount of water still at the bottom of the reservoir. The fish in your pocket thrashes wildly, perhaps sensing a more hospitable environment. Perhaps if you put the fish back in the water, it would become grateful and help you with your quest! Much like Fate, an independent game reviewed by Bill of Dubious Quality, that carp could terrorize your enemies and amuse you simultaneously! Together, you and the fish could save the world!

> COOK FISH
It's delicious, and almost assuages your deep feelings of loneliness and guilt.

> GO SOUTH
Boardroom You push open the intricately carved door and enter... a boardroom? Are we even trying to make sense here? Why would there be a boardroom in a secret door under a man-made lake, except to introduce Tony's Video Games and the Business World from Buttonmashing?
On the boardroom table, there's a manila folder containing an unlabeled videotape (taken) and a report by "Agent Dormer" on The SpikeTV E3 Experience. It sounds depressing.

> GO WEST
Outside the boardroom
It's very nice here in the waiting room. There's a desk just outside where someone would have guarded the door, plush chairs, and television sets with VCRs at the other end of the room, currently showing muted static. A sign on the secretary's desk reads "Back soon!" and is covered in a thick layer of dust.

> USE TAPE IN VCR
The tape clicks for a few minutes as the machine finds the timecoding, then begins playing Foton's Confessions of a Dangerous Guide, apparently taped from AFK Gamer.

As the film finishes, the door from the boardroom opens, and a grue strolls in, wearing a red Infocom t-shirt. "Hi there!" it chirps brightly. "If you liked that, perhaps you'd also be interested in the Video Game Ombudsman's Press Conference Ponderings, now available on DVD. What'll you give me for it?"

> INV
You have a lantern, currently lit.

> GIVE LANTERN
The grue takes the lantern and turns it off. It is very dark.

You have been eaten by a grue. Would you like to play again? (y/n) N

Are you sure? Perhaps instead you'd like to play The Dreamhold, which has the attention of PeterB at Tea Leaves? (y/n) N

The management hopes you enjoyed this Carnival, and thanks you for reading. Enjoy the next installment of the Carnival of the Gamers, June 23rd at Man Bytes Blog!