Mile
Zero

The worst ways people found Mile Zero this month:

• time gentlemen please zombie cow torrent: Listen, it's a five-dollar game. You should be ashamed.
• benefits of working at the world bank experience for those who have worked there: Hey, a serious query! As an American, for me the benefits were twofold: they paid well, and the institution is relatively diverse, which I found fascinating. You get to meet a lot of new and interesting people. On the other hand, you will become acquainted with a lot of very tedious tax paperwork.
• jerry jenkins writing ability: Nope.
• assume that your system is being dos attacked right now. what are the various steps that you will take to counter the attack?: Well, first I'd laugh. Then I'd cry. Then I would call someone who knew what they were doing.
• precious you ever conceived of: It puts the lotion in the basket...
• critique: Literally the entire search term. Zen, really.
• baltar graphic groovebox: Gives you a basic beat, then betrays you to the Cylons.
• animal crossing rooms: Not actually about the game. They're trying to train their pets to go from one side of the house to another.
• how much does it cost to fix line six delay switch?: In my case, it's $50 for the pedal, $2 for gas to drive to the closest authorized repair shop, and $400 to buy a different pedal when the DL-4 breaks again.

Better luck next month, Internet.

In which I read through the least-common search phrases for this site, extract the noise from the signal, and then gripe about it.

• herpes triangle clarendon: This is the best suburb nickname ever. "Doing anything this weekend?" "Oh, you know. Just heading out to the Herpes Triangle, see what I catch."
• new invention of computer: Also "new invention of computer in 2008," because surprisingly the initial query was a little too general.
• there s this movie about these little gigo soldiers against this monster toy: Aliens? Lord of the Rings? ...Mansquito?
• gay movie if you re still interested in this job you should drop by my agence tomorrow.: I swear, people, I do not make these things up. There's probably a Mansquito 2 joke in there somewhere, though.
• blackberry pin exchange myers-briggs: That probably makes you an extravert. But that's just an intuitive feeling I've got, and could be too judgemental.
• weirdo to trigger the subjunctive in french: An Onion headline waiting to happen.
• tom friedman painted silver dead rabbit sugar cube: Try to imagine the circumstances that led to this being typed into a search engine. Either Matt Taibbi's off his meds again, it's the worst Eyes Wide Shut deleted scene ever, or some newspaper research intern is getting way overzealous while writing obituaries.

True fact: the top search phrase (not individual keyword, but actual phrase) for MileZero.org is "music"--just the single word, all by itself. This strikes me as a terrific act of faith. I can only imagine the disappointment of the 325 people who typed that into Google and ended up here as a result.

I'm thankful for search keyphrases and the free content they provide. Also, according to my stats, I'm thankful for readers who pimp this blog in the Wired comment sections. Because lord knows I'd love to have the Wired crowd descend like a locust horde, leaving behind only poor grammar and insinuations about my sexuality.

• erotic stories cannibal gay displayed in the butchers shop: Thanks, Internet. I'll never get that image out of my head.
• thesis statement for the silence of the lambs: "Cannibalism is the lesser of two evils." (except when used in erotic butcher fiction)
• internet, satire, project, robot (individual search terms): This is pretty much our mission statement here.
• trent reznor fx voice -nude reverb: I have to confess, I'm curious about this one. What results was he getting before that he needed to add the "-nude" modifier? The mind boggles.
• frustrated with people who lack due respect for boolean logic and blinded with psychology!: Sounds like a personal problem to me. True or false, was your mother a particularly logical woman?
• senator thomas wilburn: Can you imagine? I'd be mad with power.
• tinarie van wyk loots: Lots of searches for Ms. van Wyk-Loots this month in various permutations. Well... relatively-speaking there were a lot. Three.
• taking acid and watching the maxx: I don't recommend it, but if he can't be talked out of it, I'd like to hear this guy report back afterward. What's left of him.

Last refuge of the desparate, you know.

• possible to get superpowers: No?
• http //milezero.org/: Yes?
• ak47 sibilance: I can't say that I ever thought the problem with automatic weapons was the lisp.
• how do you remove harshness from music: Speaking generally, you get rid of Bob Dylan.
• jurassic park fanfiction complete erotic: "Hello, sailor," growled the velociraptor.
• dreamweaver myspace layout: I have looked into the abyss AND IT HAS LOOKED BACK. WITH BLINK TAGS ON.
• rofl: lol.
• killer lords and rusty truck: This is a post-apocalyptic B-movie just waiting to happen.
• cort curbow bass strings: There's no putting lipstick on that pig, buddy.
• audacity chiptunes: Or that one.
• wear dog: PETA is not going to be happy about it, that's for sure. Not that they're usually happy about anything.
• why is the reporter in aeon flux naked?: Because there had to be something worth watching in that whole mess.

Oddly enough, all of my old "Fun with Webalizer" posts seem to have vanished during the site transition. I'm guessing that they got caught in a filter when I tried to exclude the site logs. So once again, here's the best single search phrases that brought people to the site this month.

• how do bands and songwriters decide who gets paid what: TWO MUSICIANS ENTER. ONE ROYALTY LEAVES.
• search: The recursion makes my head hurt.
• are video games good for you?: There's a lot of variations on this, actually. I wonder if it's an election year thing, or the release of GTA IV that's spawned it?
• the lofi loop junky i love the preamp: Either they're quoting a review, or they just wanted the world to know.
• how do i know if i m buying a real rickenbacker?: Does it say Rickenbacker on it? Because the company has pretty much sued all the counterfeits out of business.
• charlize faron actress: Ah, yes. I remember Charlize Faron. I believe she was in "The Bevel's Advocate" and "The Italian Chob."
• all songs of tinarie van wyk-loots: Wait, she sings too? Is there anything Tinarie van Wyk-Loots can't do?
• what is a canonized mile: It's a walk that's good for the soles. ba-dum-bum.
• president mckinley sitting on a goat: Your guess is as good as mine. At least it's not Taft on a goat, I guess. That would just be cruel.