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January 10, 2007

Filed under: politics»activism

Tribal Wisdom

In a post about the so-called angry left, Digby linked to the worst book a political consultant will ever write, Applebee's America. Although the website is unclear on whether the book will come with poorly-crafted imitations of the TGI Fridays menu, it does have a quiz that's not going to sell any copies. How inaccurate is it? It says I'm a Republican.

But how could it fail to capture political genius with questions like these?

At a picnic with friends, you open a cooler full of soft drinks and reach for the:

* Dr. Pepper
* Sprite or Pepsi

"Well, I would have had the Dr. Pepper, but that's the official drink of those pinko liberals!"

You've won the jackpot on a game show and have a choice between two kinds of vehicles. You select the:

* Audi
* Saab

...is this one of those "lesser of two evils" dilemmas?

You're headed out to buy some groceries. You are most likely to visit:

* A superstore like Wal-Mart or large supermarket such as Kroger
* Whole Foods or similar organic grocer

Ah yes, large supermarkets pitted against organic grocers. We are back on firmer ground now.

You're at a cocktail party, and the only choices are gin, bourbon, scotch and vodka. Which liquor do you choose?

* Bourbon or Scotch
* Gin or vodka

This is the first of two alcohol-related questions. Maybe the authors think you have to be drunk to participate in American politics. They might be right.

If we opened your refrigerator, it is more likely that we would find which brand of bottled water:

* Ozarka or local brand
* Evian or Dannon

I was torn on this one, actually. My neo-hippie impulses wanted to support local water merchants, while my East Coast elitism found Evian irresistable.

You're at happy hour and there is a special on domestic beer. Which do you choose?

* Coors
* Bud

You know, I don't even drink, and even I know that those are both crappy choices.

Which special event would you be more inclined to attend?

* Monster Truck Show
* Pro Wrestling Match

...no, seriously. I can't even answer that. In the spirit of bipartisanship, I'll write in option C, "An opera about homosexuals."

If we checked your Internet history, it would more likely show that you had visited:

* An auction site, like eBay
* A dating site, like Match.com

Of course! Because only thrifty conservatives buy used crap online, while liberals use dating sites to pursue their many sex partners and procure abortions!

I suppose that if books about the differences between Americans are selling, you could do worse than to replace the "red state/blue state" dichotomy with something a bit less (what's the word? ah, yes) false. I'm partial to the urban/rural divide myself, but this "tribes" thing isn't bad. Or at least it would be, if they weren't just new names for Republicans and Democrats. Because I didn't really need a book to figure that one out.

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